If Only I Had a Fan
We seniors need to supplement our incomes. To be clear, old pensioners like my wife and I don’t get raises. When prices go up we have to cut back. Even cat food from China is getting pricey.
I have come upon a new income stream idea. I have decided to join all those wealthy young models on a web page found on the interweb, which provides dubious solace to people referred to as Fans. And only paying fans are allowed!
If a 24-year-old lady from Omaha can make a solid income selling provocative pictures of her feet, imagine what I can do.
Stop it!
Fine, I’ll wait until you compose yourselves. It’s not that funny…
Yes, I am aware I’m a pushing 70, pudgy, gray-haired, curmudgeon, with ugly feet. Besides that’s not my idea. Get a napkin, you have coffee on your chin.
Hear me out, I have three great ideas for my webpage which is for fans only.
Idea 1. Only Hams. Yes! Baby piglets are so darn cute. I will have hours and hours of them frolicking in a flower-filled meadow doing all their adorable piggy behaviors. I will put yummy piggy food next to the camera and you can watch them eat and stuff.
No? Alright, what about this next one?
Idea 2. Only Cramps. The camera is locked off in a darkened bedroom using an infrared lens. The sleeping couple is doing just that. Sleeping. Nothing happens for hours. Well OK, a bit of tossing and turning. Alright! Alright! She can be wearing a cute skimpy nightgown.
Then, in a fascinating and action-packed instant, the male suddenly kicks his leg in the air and begins screaming in tremendous pain. Howling like a banshee, he rolls out of bed, slams to the floor, and writhes in agony from a massive leg cramp. For the next 10 minutes or so, we are treated to the Lady, sitting up in bed, watching him limp around the room trying to ‘walk it off’. Lots of cursing and swearing. If you are into that sort of thing. Not here is the cool part; We have a side-betting forum as to what time the cramp will hit our hero. House takes 10 percent of the gross.
You are hard to please, you know it?
OK! This one can’t miss!
Idea 3. Only Gramps. Stop it! I told you I’m not going there. Well, at least not like you think. It starts with the camera looking out of a big floor-to-ceiling window at a picturesque mountain scene. The tallest mountain in the distance has a long stream of white icy snow streaming off the very top. It’s windy up there. The camera pulls back and discovers me sitting in a large overstuffed black leather chair. To the other side of the window is a huge fireplace with a roaring fire. The fireplace is made of stacked river rock. It’s a charming mountain cabin nestled somewhere in the Rocky Mountains.
I’m wearing a very nice suit, dark and well-tailored, very refined. A pale blue ascot with matching shoes completes the ensemble. Next to me is a small table with elk antler legs. A large whiskey, pipe, and ashtray, and a perfectly placed reading lamp with a cowboy motif lampshade pull the entire vibe together.
The camera dollies to the right so you get a nice ¾ profile shot of my right side. Well, it’s my best side. My left ear is weird. I smile and pick up a small red book from the table and open it to chapter one.
Side note: I am pretty good at reading aloud.
This is the good part. I proceed to read out loud, with a perfectly straight face, the most raunchy and gooey erotica you can imagine, complete with sound effects and high falsetto when required.
Every so often, after a really racy part, I will look at the camera with a raised eyebrow and a slight smile. Just for a few seconds then I carry on. Well, for dramatic effect and pacing, of course.
After a few chapters, I will put the book down, take a sip of my drink, and fill my pipe. The camera moves slowly back to the window. Roll credits and list monthly subscription rates.
I can’t miss with this one!
You will have to excuse me now. The Very Large Expensive Boat Builder company is on the phone and wants to schedule and time to look at fabric swatches.
All kidding aside, it's a strange world out there Kids. Be sure to wash your hands after reading this.